Tinalicious

Just to give you further insight as to how the freak mind works, here are few other random things our neighbor has done in the past.
* Called the police on the Amish people who were re-doing our roof. Why? Because one tire on the van of their driver grazed a few blades of his grass when they pulled out of our driveway. And then he proceeded to yell…at the Amish! Who the hell yells at Amish people anyway?
* Called the police last winter when my Hubs was plowing the alley that runs between our houses. Why? Because some snow landed on the freak’s driveway, of course. I’m kind of surprised he doesn’t sue Mother Nature then, since she dumps snow on his freaking driveway every single winter!
* Planted maple trees a few feet apart, all up and down the edge of his lawn, adjacent to the alley between our houses. Why? To block our view from our porch.
* Called the police several times because rain flows off the alley near his driveway. Why? Because he says our house causes the water to run there, and he thinks it’s going to crack his cement driveway. And I’ll just point out here that if you could see my house and the alley–and if you have even a basic understanding of the laws of Physics, you’d know there was no way on earth that rain from our house was traveling anywhere near his precious driveway. But if it is, I’m sure it’s brought there by the flying pigs I see each morning.
* Put signs up in his front yard (which, BTW, the city says are “political,” so there’s nothing they can do) that read: Stop favoritism, enforce zoning laws; Stop runoff of water from alley; and Not zoned for business. And when these signs fade (he does use cheap paint, don’tcha know), he takes them down, repaints them, and puts them back up again, while making sure that each sign is hung at equal heights and distances apart. Being anal is only secondary to his love of symmetry and balance.
* Calls the police whenever anyone stops in the alley (even if we don’t know them!), even for five minutes. And FYI: it is legal for any vehicle to stop in our alley for up to 20 minutes. We know this, and so does he.
* Installed treated lumber for his flower beds–after stripping it, and then staining it. WTH?
* Waters his trees from the top down, um, but never at the roots. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but aren’t the roots supposed to get the water?
* Has two video recorders pointed at our property, and records our movements daily. At first that disgusted me, but now I just share my favorite “bird” with him whenever the mood strikes me as I pass by the camera’s view.
* Has called the police on contractors working at our house…for playing their music too loud. {INSERT ROAR OF LAUGHTER HERE} I’m sorry, but I had to pause to catch my breath; I just laughed so hard I nearly pee’d my pants. Mister play-his-music-loud-enough-to-shake-windows-and-solely-for-the-annoyance-of-others thinks someone else’s music is too loud?! Hello, Mr. Pot, meet the damned black Kettle! That’s just too rich.

Guess that’s enough freak-ranting for one day. But lest you think I’m exaggerating or embellishing, let me assure you that I am doing no such thing. This is all 100% freakdom FACT. And most of it is on record with our local police department.

A lot of my friends and family, and most of the residents of the town in which I live, are familiar with the freak who is my next door neighbor. He’s far more than just a freak though; he’s also the bane of my very existence on a fairly regular basis. So anyhoots, I thought I’d share with you some tidbits from time to time about his asinine antics, if for no other reason than to exercise my right to freedom of speech. And besides, I know I’m not alone in living next door to an asshole idiot, and misery does love company. So let the venting begin.

I’ll preface my introduction to the freak by saying that the Hubs went to school with him, and no, they were not friends, nor were they enemies, but they did know each other. And when he first moved next door there were no issues or problems. We all coexisted peacefully for several years, with no hint of the madness that would relentlessly spew forth at a later date. Without going into boring great detail, I’ll summarize with a highlight of the most notable events from world of freakdom.

* Freak starts playing loud music, which gets annoying.
* Freak starts playing louder music, which starts to make my windows shake.
* Freak’s music gets loud enough to bother other neighbors too and police get involved.
* Freak gets arrested and charged with violating a noise ordinance and all relevant neighbors get called to testify in court.
* Freak does his homework and discovers that in order to violate the noise ordinance, his music must be louder than the ordinance allows according to a decibel meter, which it is not. So even though his music shakes my windows and is going at all hours of the day and night, he is found “not guilty.”
* Freak returns to playing his loud music, but is ultimately charged with a new crime, disorderly conduct.
* We all return to court and he is found guilty, spends some time in county jail and gets probation.
* Upon release from jail, knowing that loud music will not be tolerated, he hatches a new freak plan: annoy whomever he can, playing music just loud enough to be annoying, but not loud enough to send his butt back to jail.
* Freak installs a speaker in his garage vent, which faces our home, and commences playing it at all hours of the day and night, true to freak form, just loud enough to be annoying…to us.
* Some time later, freak adds more speakers, just underneath his patio roof, facing our home so that he can continue playing music just loud enough to be annoying…to us.
* Freak continues to play music, even when he is not home. Often times, there is different music coming from each speaker, while the freak is inside his home, either watching TV, or listening to all together different music!
* We call the police on several occasions, and since our calls about the nuisance noise that never ends are now annoying the local police, we are told that unless his music is on past 9pm, there is nothing they can do.
* Freak installs timer, which enables his music to play–and shut off at 9pm–even when he is not at home.
* Freak adds profanity to his repertoire of musical mayhem. So now we have the privilege of listening to words like F–K, B—H, A$$, D–N, S–T, etc. But guess what, that is not illegal either!

We have been dealing with freak-related BS for over three years. When asked by the police why he does what he does, the freak always says it’s our fault, because the Hubs runs a business from our home. OK, so, #1) Running a business from a home is NOT illegal; and #2) My husband is a plumber and a contractor, and all he does at our home is paperwork. After all, how the hell can he plumb someone’s house from our home?! And he has a warehouse where all his equipment and parts are stored, and where deliveries are made, etc. But even though the city council and the police have all said that we are not violating any laws, the freak continues with his recalcitrant behavior for the sole purpose of punishing us…for allegedly running a business from our home.

So that’s a bit about the freak that lives next door. Welcome to my world, people. And there’s far more to tell. Our town’s motto is, “A Great Place to Live.” Yeah, well, that depends on who your neighbors are!