Since the white trash wannabe who occupies the tin can trailer adjacent to my house is never lacking in appalling behavior–some of which you can read about in my prior posts about The Freak Next Door,  and  since I just had to call the police in order to get his music shut off and his barking dog put away for the night, I thought it would be a good time to tackle 7 Questions for the Freak, who is the bane of my very existence on an almost daily basis.  So here goes…and believe me when I say, keeping this to just 7 Questions is going to take all the restraint I can possibly muster.

1. Why do you wash your trees? No really, why?! Wouldn’t watering the roots make just a wee bit more sense? And while we’re talking about the trees, why do you trim the leaves and small branches from the very ends? Um, you’re not supposed to do that, smart guy. That’s what makes the branches that are growing all wonky–causing you to trim them off at the ends–get all wonky to begin with.  Do the words vicious cycle mean anything to ya?
2. Why do you have a speaker in your garage vent pointing at my house, playing music all day long…even when you’re in the tin can trailer watching TV…or even when you have other music coming out your opened bedroom window…or even when you have still other music playing under your “patio”…or better yet, even when you’re not home? Well, actually I know the answer to that one and it has two parts: 1) To annoy the crap out of US, and 2) Because you’re an asshole.
3. Why did you name your dog, Lucky? I mean, seriously, that has got to be the most unlucky canine in the free world to have you for its owner, which is clearly why I refer to him as Unlucky whenever you are in audible range (which is usually when you’re washing your trees).
4. Why is it that on the very rare occasion that your mommy and daddy actually bother to pay you a visit, they never–and I do mean NEVER EVER–go inside your tin can trailer? I mean, 13 years and they’ve never stepped one foot in there. What gives? Are they afraid of what might be in there? Or are they afraid that your freakdom might just rub off on them?
5. Why are you so obsessed with my husband? Isn’t that why you have a video camera pointed straight at his workshop–cuz you like him…maybe just a bit too much? Or maybe you just enjoy seeing my “bird” flash by as I walk past your window?
6. Why do you hide behind city zoning ordinances that allow “political signage” to be displayed on private property, while at the same time condemning the city of Defiance as a “bad place to live”  on one of your political signs? (And, uh, nice touch with the red, white, and blue bunting, jerkwad. I’m sure everyone who stops to read your signs is thinking to themselves, wow, look at that nice bunting, what a nice, patriotic neighbor we have!)
7. Why is Lindsay Lohan in jail for being young, too rich and too stupid, when you are running around scot-free, erecting plywood blockades that violate the zoning laws you tout yourself on your “political signage”, playing music for the sole purpose of annoying your neighbors,  and pervertedly videotaping your neighbors too (doing Lord only knows what while you watch them)?!

I could ask so many more questions, it’s just not even funny. And it’s even more pointless. But I’ll just sum it up with one final thought from one of my favorite funny men, George Carlin:

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”

Amen, brother, Amen.

Just to give you further insight as to how the freak mind works, here are few other random things our neighbor has done in the past.
* Called the police on the Amish people who were re-doing our roof. Why? Because one tire on the van of their driver grazed a few blades of his grass when they pulled out of our driveway. And then he proceeded to yell…at the Amish! Who the hell yells at Amish people anyway?
* Called the police last winter when my Hubs was plowing the alley that runs between our houses. Why? Because some snow landed on the freak’s driveway, of course. I’m kind of surprised he doesn’t sue Mother Nature then, since she dumps snow on his freaking driveway every single winter!
* Planted maple trees a few feet apart, all up and down the edge of his lawn, adjacent to the alley between our houses. Why? To block our view from our porch.
* Called the police several times because rain flows off the alley near his driveway. Why? Because he says our house causes the water to run there, and he thinks it’s going to crack his cement driveway. And I’ll just point out here that if you could see my house and the alley–and if you have even a basic understanding of the laws of Physics, you’d know there was no way on earth that rain from our house was traveling anywhere near his precious driveway. But if it is, I’m sure it’s brought there by the flying pigs I see each morning.
* Put signs up in his front yard (which, BTW, the city says are “political,” so there’s nothing they can do) that read: Stop favoritism, enforce zoning laws; Stop runoff of water from alley; and Not zoned for business. And when these signs fade (he does use cheap paint, don’tcha know), he takes them down, repaints them, and puts them back up again, while making sure that each sign is hung at equal heights and distances apart. Being anal is only secondary to his love of symmetry and balance.
* Calls the police whenever anyone stops in the alley (even if we don’t know them!), even for five minutes. And FYI: it is legal for any vehicle to stop in our alley for up to 20 minutes. We know this, and so does he.
* Installed treated lumber for his flower beds–after stripping it, and then staining it. WTH?
* Waters his trees from the top down, um, but never at the roots. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but aren’t the roots supposed to get the water?
* Has two video recorders pointed at our property, and records our movements daily. At first that disgusted me, but now I just share my favorite “bird” with him whenever the mood strikes me as I pass by the camera’s view.
* Has called the police on contractors working at our house…for playing their music too loud. {INSERT ROAR OF LAUGHTER HERE} I’m sorry, but I had to pause to catch my breath; I just laughed so hard I nearly pee’d my pants. Mister play-his-music-loud-enough-to-shake-windows-and-solely-for-the-annoyance-of-others thinks someone else’s music is too loud?! Hello, Mr. Pot, meet the damned black Kettle! That’s just too rich.

Guess that’s enough freak-ranting for one day. But lest you think I’m exaggerating or embellishing, let me assure you that I am doing no such thing. This is all 100% freakdom FACT. And most of it is on record with our local police department.

A lot of my friends and family, and most of the residents of the town in which I live, are familiar with the freak who is my next door neighbor. He’s far more than just a freak though; he’s also the bane of my very existence on a fairly regular basis. So anyhoots, I thought I’d share with you some tidbits from time to time about his asinine antics, if for no other reason than to exercise my right to freedom of speech. And besides, I know I’m not alone in living next door to an asshole idiot, and misery does love company. So let the venting begin.

I’ll preface my introduction to the freak by saying that the Hubs went to school with him, and no, they were not friends, nor were they enemies, but they did know each other. And when he first moved next door there were no issues or problems. We all coexisted peacefully for several years, with no hint of the madness that would relentlessly spew forth at a later date. Without going into boring great detail, I’ll summarize with a highlight of the most notable events from world of freakdom.

* Freak starts playing loud music, which gets annoying.
* Freak starts playing louder music, which starts to make my windows shake.
* Freak’s music gets loud enough to bother other neighbors too and police get involved.
* Freak gets arrested and charged with violating a noise ordinance and all relevant neighbors get called to testify in court.
* Freak does his homework and discovers that in order to violate the noise ordinance, his music must be louder than the ordinance allows according to a decibel meter, which it is not. So even though his music shakes my windows and is going at all hours of the day and night, he is found “not guilty.”
* Freak returns to playing his loud music, but is ultimately charged with a new crime, disorderly conduct.
* We all return to court and he is found guilty, spends some time in county jail and gets probation.
* Upon release from jail, knowing that loud music will not be tolerated, he hatches a new freak plan: annoy whomever he can, playing music just loud enough to be annoying, but not loud enough to send his butt back to jail.
* Freak installs a speaker in his garage vent, which faces our home, and commences playing it at all hours of the day and night, true to freak form, just loud enough to be annoying…to us.
* Some time later, freak adds more speakers, just underneath his patio roof, facing our home so that he can continue playing music just loud enough to be annoying…to us.
* Freak continues to play music, even when he is not home. Often times, there is different music coming from each speaker, while the freak is inside his home, either watching TV, or listening to all together different music!
* We call the police on several occasions, and since our calls about the nuisance noise that never ends are now annoying the local police, we are told that unless his music is on past 9pm, there is nothing they can do.
* Freak installs timer, which enables his music to play–and shut off at 9pm–even when he is not at home.
* Freak adds profanity to his repertoire of musical mayhem. So now we have the privilege of listening to words like F–K, B—H, A$$, D–N, S–T, etc. But guess what, that is not illegal either!

We have been dealing with freak-related BS for over three years. When asked by the police why he does what he does, the freak always says it’s our fault, because the Hubs runs a business from our home. OK, so, #1) Running a business from a home is NOT illegal; and #2) My husband is a plumber and a contractor, and all he does at our home is paperwork. After all, how the hell can he plumb someone’s house from our home?! And he has a warehouse where all his equipment and parts are stored, and where deliveries are made, etc. But even though the city council and the police have all said that we are not violating any laws, the freak continues with his recalcitrant behavior for the sole purpose of punishing us…for allegedly running a business from our home.

So that’s a bit about the freak that lives next door. Welcome to my world, people. And there’s far more to tell. Our town’s motto is, “A Great Place to Live.” Yeah, well, that depends on who your neighbors are!