Once I get about this far into Winter…you know, when it’s so cold outside that even the inside of the freezer feels like a trip to the Bahamas (OK, so I’m exaggerating)…I start to become obsessively-compulsively aware of what a giant germ factory we live in.

Germs are flying, floating, and crawling everywhere this time of year. If we’re not trying to prevent them, we’re either trying to battle them with every manner of pharmacological warfare at our disposal, or we’re on the ever so prolonged road to recovery.

I admit it: I have issues with germs. But my personal pet peeves about germs and bacteria have less to do with the little bugs themselves, and more to do with people’s ignorance about how to prevent the spread of their nasty germs to the rest of us innocent bystanders. It never ceases to amaze me how people wantonly infect perfectly healthy friends and strangers alike, simply because they are too stupid or too apathetic to prevent it.

Here’s a perfect example. The Hubs and I went to our favorite Chinese Buffet this evening for dinner. I’ll admit, I tend to avoid buffets this time of year for the very reasons noted above. I mean, if you really stop and think about the number of germs that are lingering on the buffet utensils alone, it would be enough to make you stay home. (Or, at least, it should be.)

Just picture if you will the person who was down with a nasty, gut-wrenching two-day stomach virus–who couldn’t even keep down a glass of water up until 8 hours ago–cruising through the buffet tables in front of you, touching every single utensil as he fills his plate. Do you really want to load up your plate using those same utensils? Is the all-you-can-eat fried rice really that important to you?!  And will you still think so when it’s coming back up tomorrow? I think not. (BTW, this is precisely why I travel with anti-bacterial sanitizer, and I use it liberally when I eat at buffet places; it may not be fool-proof, but it’s better than nothing.)

And then there’s the lady I observed at the buffet this evening. She had a full plate in her left hand, and was getting another plate to fill. She looked at the 6 stacks of plates. She took her right hand and rubbed it around the surface of the plate on the first stack. But she doesn’t take that. No, she repeats this plate-rubbing on the top plate of the next stack. She did this three times, until she finally found a plate that was acceptable. WTH?! Not only do I wonder if she was sick yesterday (I guess the people who ended up taking the plates she touched will find out soon enough), but I am willing to bet that this twit is also a habitual  double-dipper at parties. Chips and Dip, anyone? Sheesh.

The simple truth is that probably half of the people who get sick each year, if not more, could avoid the illness all together with just an ounce (hell, even an iota!) of prevention on the part of the folks who go around carelessly infecting the rest of us.  So here are a few tips on how to keep your germs to yourself. And if you already know these things, perhaps you should share this blog post with those who live in the land of infectious ignorance and bacterial bliss.

1. Wash your hands. Seriously. Germs can’t swim, so drown the little suckers. It’s the one form of murder that is totally acceptable, and even encouraged. Use soap, warm water, and do it for 20, count ‘em, 20 seconds! You should be washing for the amount of time it would take you to sing the entire “Happy Birthday” song. Go ahead and sing. Get your groove on. No one’s listening.
2. Cough and sneeze into your elbow. Yes, I said your ELBOW. If you use your hand, you’re gonna touch something, and probably before you wash your hands. And I don’t want it to be my hand that you’re touching, or my coffee mug, or my door handle! But if you do use your hand, see #1.
3. If you are sick, STAY HOME. Clearly you did not wash your hands enough and you got somebody else’s bug, so stay home and keep your germs to yourself.  And I prescribe some chicken soup, and one complete viewing of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. That ought to make you feel better in no time.
4. If your kids are sick, then keep them home too.  Do you want the next epidemic in your child’s school on your shoulders?! Of course not. And while they’re home, this would be a good time to practice hand-washing and the proper form of  coughing and sneezing.
5. Don’t touch your face. This is an important one, and all too often overlooked. Germs get into your system in one of three ways: your eyes, or your nose, or your mouth. If you touch a germ-ridden surface, and then, say, rub your eyes, or scratch your nose, or (ew) lick your finger…what’s going to happen? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?  Yeah, I think you get the idea.

While I do accept the fact that I cannot prevent all illnesses, it sure as hell won’t be for lack of trying.  That doesn’t make me a germ-o-phobe, as much as some people might like to think. Frankly, if that were true, I wouldn’t even leave my house. I’m simply cautious, for one very simple reason: I DON’T LIKE BEING SICK! Do you? I didn’t think so. So I arm myself with my arsenal of preventive wisdom, and a little hand sanitizer, and I greet the world each day saying…

Welcome to the Germ Factory.

Is it just me, or is there a new breed of shoppers at the local grocery store? You know the ones I mean, right? They’re pushing their cart, they’re grabbing some Funyuns, they’re changing their mind about their bologna, and shoving it onto a shelf next to the paper plates while making sure no one is watching…all the while chatting incessantly to their BFF…on their cell phone.

Since when did talking on the phone while grocery shopping become the chic  thing to do?! As if dealing with self-involved shoppers who drive their cart down the aisle like they’re the only ones in the entire store isn’t bad enough, no no. Now we have to put up with them screeching and hollering into their cell phone to boot. And are they blocking your access to the Pop Tarts? Well, uh, sorry, you’re going to have to hope and pray for a dropped call before it would even occur to them to get out of your way.

Whatever happened to the good old days, when going to the grocery store meant that the rudest thing you had to put up with was someone who was willing to arm wrestle you for the very last package of Buy One Get One Free 12 Roll Packs of toilet paper? Those days are long gone, my friend. Yesiree. Now they’ll not only arm wrestle you, but they’ll give the play-by-play of the whole scene to that BFF on the other end of the phone call, and they’ll be referring to you in less than flattering terms, as if you aren’t even standing just twelve inches away from them while they do it.

Don’t get me wrong, I think cell phones are great. And I will admit to having called the Hubs a time or two from the grocery store, asking if we need one gallon of milk or two. But I sure as heck don’t spend countless minutes chattering on and on about mindless drivel, completely oblivious to my own volume level, and all at the expense and annoyance of the rest of the shoppers, who clearly just want to get their groceries and go home.

Seriously. What is wrong with people? If you want to chat up your best friend while shopping, here’s an idea: bring them with you! Get in some real, quality, one-on-one face time, and get your shopping done all at the same time.  {They call that multi-tasking, I believe.} And then the real bonus is, the rest of us won’t have to hear you yelling into your cell phone, to your BFF, “Can you hear me now, from aisle 5?!”

Just some more random things I really don’t understand…

Typos in books: Isn’t it someone’s job to make sure that doesn’t happen? I mean, they get paid for that, right? So basically, they are getting paid to make mistakes. Um, where can I sign up for that job?

Non-Removable Price Tags: I cannot stand when I buy something that I can’t get the price tag off of. What genius thought it was OK to stick a giant price tag on the cover of a book with adhesive so strong you could more likely permanently glue an elephant to the underside of a 747 than remove the sticker from the cover of a book? Someone needs to talk to the dang Post-It Notes guys and see what glue they’re using. Sheesh.

Celebrity Sex Videos: What is it with celebrities and their sex videos? Doesn’t being a celebrity kind of imply that you are one of the people that should never make a sex video?! And considering how quickly videos go viral on the Web, that should be a little bit of a wake-up call to the wanton celeb porn stars out there. Does their fame and money really impair their judgment that much? And do they really have nothing better to do? Maybe someone should just write a celebrity manual.

Rule #1: Don’t make a sex video.

Rule #2: If you do make a sex tape, don’t complain when it hits the Web and the evening news. (You’re famous, what the hell did you expect?!)

Rule #3: Apologize to your mother when you break Rule #1.

Tabloid Journalism: Isn’t that an oxymoron?!

Pop Up Tape: Really now, pop up tape? Come on, people. Have we gotten so lazy that we can’t even tear off a piece of tape from a roll dispenser? Heaven knows it takes an incredible amount of physical strength and exertion to tear scotch tape! Don’t strain yourself or anything.

And finally…Frozen Dinners: Just the idea of them boggles my mind. They’re basically leftovers that have been frozen and thrown into a cardboard box for the enjoyment of those with clearly discerning palates. I know a lot of people who won’t touch leftovers, but who love frozen dinners. What the heck is the difference? Oh yeah, you have to buy the frozen dinners.

This is what our society has evolved to, folks…being able to enjoy a frozen dinner while reading a book filled with typos and a torn cover,  created after you’ve spent an hour trying to remove a price tag that’s been affixed with super glue, and having to repair it with your handy dispenser of pop-up tape; afterward, you can catch up on all the literary masterpieces to be found in your favorite tabloid, which will surely also provide you with the website link of your favorite celebrity sex video.

God I love this country. ;o)

This is just a list of random things I don’t understand…

The TV Show, Operation Repo. Are we so hard up for new reality TV shows (because obviously, there aren’t enough of them already on the air) that we need to watch a show about cars getting repossessed?! It’s the same show every time, only the faces change: weird repo folk go to repossess some cars; car owners who haven’t made their payments get pissed off; car gets repo’d anyway. Uh-huh, yeah, that’s must see TV.

Why men can go around with their shirts off and that’s legal, but if women do it, they’d get arrested. Now let my clarify by saying, I don’t want women to be able to run around topless (though I’m sure most men would like that). But I don’t understand the sexist law that allows men to do so with no fear of consequences. Most men should not be topless anyway–it’s just not attractive, nor is it necessary! Is it really so unbearably hot that they can’t tolerate a sleeveless shirt like we women can? Puhleaze. Put on a freaking tank top and get over it already.

When it became acceptable to go out in public…in pajamas. Every time I turn around anymore, I see folks at the grocery store, at the video store, at the mall, you name it, wearing every manner of slumber attire. What is the deal here? Is it so much work to just throw on sweats and a t-shirt, if nothing else? Or do they think that we’re too stupid to see that they’re actually in their PJ’s? Or maybe, just maybe, they think they’re starting a hot new fashion trend? OK, unless you’re 4 years old, it ain’t cute, people. And it’s the exact opposite of a fashion statement. Act like a grown up and get dressed.

Weight loss infomercials in the wee hours of the morning. I was up at like 4am recently, and I was amazed at how many infomercials were on focusing on weight loss. They were on a disproportionately large number of channels. Infomercials about diets, exercise machines, pills, you name it. So my question is this: do they really think that fat people have nothing else to do at 4am? Or perhaps they think that fat folks crawl out of bed at that hour, to grab an early snack and maybe watch TV at the same time? Or do they just think that fat people only watch TV in the wee hours of the morning? I just can’t figure that out.

Email hoaxes that never die. I swear, it never ceases to amaze me how many times the same email hoaxes keep circling the planet over and over and over again, and how it’s possible that anyone has the nerve to forward them to all their friends, let alone believe what’s in them. You know the ones that tell you…your deodorant will cause cancer; your cell phone number is getting released to telemarketers; the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe; the guarantee of hundreds of dollars for forwarding a stupid email to ten of your closest friends. I’ve gotten these emails at least a hundred times each, along with almost every other stupid email hoax that’s ever seen the light of day. And why? Because some poor sap out there is forwarding the same email that ten of his closest gullible friends did, and their friends did, and so on, and so on, and so on. WAKE UP, WORLD! 99.9% of the crap you read about in an email is just that, crap! And the only reason it keeps resurfacing (some of it for over a decade!) is because you send it to all your friends instead of doing the only thing that should ever be done with it: DELETE IT!

OK, so there are my random things I don’t understand for today. And now there is a cup of coffee with my name on it and some real work to be done…after I delete a bunch of bogus emails.

I’m an educated person and I’m reasonably smart, but there are still plenty of things I simply cannot wrap my brain around. So I thought I’d get Tinalicious and add a category to the ole blog called Things I Don’t Understand. And this post will mark the first installment in my perhaps futile attempt at understanding. Today’s topic: Men. And these are in no particular order. I’m not going for rank and order here…just going with the proverbial flow.

Why do men hock up phlegm? And furthermore, how did they learn such a disgusting habit? I mean, really, do their dads pull them aside at a young age and teach them how to do that? Or are they genetically predisposed to such an excess of phlegm that it results in them hocking up those snotty wads? I have never once hocked up a loogie in my entire life. I can barely imagine it, let alone actually do it. Gross, man. Gross.

Why must they flip channels on the TV….so freaking much? The Hubs does it ad nauseam during every commercial break. And the hilarious part is, he will flip and flip and flip so much, that he will forget what channel he started on to begin with, which results in more flipping in order to find it! Commercials are annoying, I get that. But why is it so hard to just sit there and wait for the show you’re watching to come back on? Or how about taking a potty break or grabbing a little snack? Better yet, grab me one! My theory? Commitment Rebellion! Makes no difference if they’re in a committed relationship or not; either way, they want to rebel against commitment whenever possible, even if the behavior is completely subconscious! Think about it: if they flip the channels, they aren’t truly committed to the show they were watching–it gives them a sense of power freedom to flip through all 108 channels, even if they forget what they were watching in the process. And they avoid using turn signals for the same reason; Heaven forbid they should change their mind at the last minute…and have to turn the signal off (Lord knows how strenuous that would be!). And they sure can’t allow their driving to be controlled by a commitment…to traffic laws.

Why can’t they leave the thermostat alone? In my mind, the thermostat only needs two settings: 65 degrees in the winter (for heat) and 73 degrees in the summer (for air). If it were up to me, there’d be no changes and no in-betweens. The Hubs–like many men I know–has different ideas. The same guy that can work outside in 10 degree weather without ever getting chilled has to come home and wanna crank up the thermostat because he’s cold. WTH? He’s also the one sitting around in just a bathrobe or cotton pants with no shirt. Ummm….PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! And hey, grab me a snack while you’re at it…and leave the thermostat alone. Sheesh.

I’m sure I’ll continue on this topic again in the future. There are so many things I don’t understand about men, but my brain is turning to mush and needs a blogging break. One can only be so thoughtful and witty when the eyelids are winning the battle with the brain. G’night, all!