Let me start by saying that I do not hate Paris Hilton. So any of you would-be PHF’s (Paris Hilton Fanatics) and defenders can save your comments and your emails. I’m not about the hate. But I am about common sense, or the lack thereof as the case may be, with regard to Paris Hilton. She really just makes me scratch my head, so much so that I’m developing a scab where I do the most scratching. So figured it was just high time I asked Miss Hilton the requisite 7 questions…in no particular order, natch.

1. How is it that you manage to look so freaking good in your police mugshot? I mean, it’s a mugshot. That’s even worse than taking a driver’s license photo, generally speaking.  Even on my best day, I don’t look half as good as Paris does in her recent mugshot.  And yet she looks like she just stepped into a celebrity photo booth or something. WTH? Seriously.
2. Is it one of your duties as a celebutante heiress to routinely carry drugs around for other people? I’m not trying to be snarky here [I still love using that word], I just really would like to know. (Seeing as I’m not a celebutante heiress, this could be important information to have, should I ever manage to become one. ) Since you were questioned by police two other times this summer for carrying drugs that apparently did not belong to you, seems common sense would dictate that you wouldn’t use that excuse do that again…um…unless it’s one of your socialite duties or something. And if it is, maybe all you famous-for-nothing-folks should get together and form a union or something, and carry ID cards around that specify all of your drug-related obligations. At least then the police would know.
3. How did you manage to confuse cocaine with gum? You told the police officer at the time of your arrest that you thought the cocaine he found was gum. Gum? Really? Now I’ve never used cocaine; I’ve never even seen it up close and personal. But I’ve watched enough TV shows to know what it looks like (that makes me an expert, does it not?!), and it does not resemble gum. If it did, that would sure give new meaning to the words blowing bubbles, don’tcha think?
4. Whose purse is it, and why didn’t you look inside it before you “borrowed” it? I have never met a woman who doesn’t clean out her purse before she loans it to someone. Heck, I practically turn mine inside out before I even store it away in my closet, just on the off chance I might find a nickel in there, or candy or something. Yet you manage to “borrow” a purse and it just happened to have cocaine in it. Of all the rotten luck! I bet the real owner of that purse is gonna be pissed, now that her stash is police property and all. (You probably shouldn’t count on being able to borrow purses from that gal anymore.)  Oh, and uh, you’re rich, no? Why on earth do you need to borrow a purse anyway? You could have saved yourself a lot of stress, and the potential for 4 years in jail, if you’d just swung by Wal Mart on the way to the casino that night and picked out a bag of your very own. Kind of crazy to think that just a wee bit of shopping like us simple folks could have prevented the felony charge against you. Just something to ponder as you await your arraignment…to which, I suggest, you make sure you bring your own purse this time.
5. Can’t you find any other way to get publicity? I mean, seriously.
6. Is your new catchphrase now going to be “That’s not mine“? Not as catchy as “That’s Hot,” but hell, put it on a T-shirt and I’m sure folks will buy it. This is America, after all.
7. Are you really  just in a competition with Lindsay Lohan to see who can get arrested the most before the age of 30? Hmm. Or maybe it’s to see who can get the best mugshot  and reign supreme on the Smoking Gun. Yeah. Maybe that’s it.

OK, which is worse?

1. The fact that I’ve posted a photo of a semi-naked woman’s ass
   on my blog for Wordless Wednesday?
2. Or, the fact that I knew who’s ass that was before I even
   read the caption when I came across this photo?

(It’s Pink, by the way…you know, the singer!)

I’m going with number 2, because it really kind of scares me that I knew that was Pink. Not that I’ve ever seen her ass before, because I haven’t. So really, how the heck would I know that was her? Especially since it’s kind of hard to tell that’s even a woman from the back. And what exactly does that say about me?

Oy.  I am really beginning to think I need therapy. But hey, don’t let my mental dilemma throw you…enjoy your Wednesday!

This week’s Michael Jackson Macros all revolve around the flirty side of MJ. I think they’re just the right way to begin your MJ Monday.

Now admit it: your Monday just got a little less boring, didn’t it? Shamone, and have a great start to your week!

This week’s Sticky Note Saturday is dedicated to Michael Jackson, in honor of his 52nd birthday on August 29th.  Just a few tidbits and trivia about the King of Pop that you might not know.

Happy Birthday, Michael!

Friday Flip Offs are the brain child of The Kludgy Mom. It’s just a way to vent and get rid of your “weekday angst,” by virtually flipping someone (or something) off.  Some might call that passive-aggression. But I call it misery loves company.

So here are my Friday Flip Offs for this week.

To the Dog that Belongs to the Freak Next Door: Flip Off! How is it that you manage to start barking just as I manage to fall asleep, after putting my granddaughter down for a nap, and after having only 4 hours of sleep the night before?! Is that your super special canine power, the ability to sense sleeping neighbors who need a nap more than Lindsay Lohan needs therapy, and then start barking as a reminder that they indeed live next door to a freak and his dog? Woof up already.

To the Girl at McDonald’s Who Ignored Me, Twice: Flip Off! OK,  I am not one to beat a dead horse [where did that expression come from anyway], because I know I’ve already blogged about how They F*ck You at the Drive Thru. But she deserves to be flipped off.  I think we can all agree that her job is not exactly rocket science: she takes orders at a drive thru. And if your job is to take someone’s order, and if they request Sweet Tea with NO ICE, two times (!), is it really that difficult to oblige them with their request? Or do I have to start asking for everything 3 times at Mickey D’s from now on?

To Firefox Crashes and Their Stupid “Well, this is embarrassing” Error Message: Flip Off! Yes, it truly should be embarrassing that your browser crashes occasionally for no conceivable reason, and always at a time when I am in the middle of posting something worthless amazing or wasting time working really hard on one of my websites. And your cutesy little error message does little to stem the tide of my growing dissatisfaction with your belligerent browser. Don’t make me do it; don’t make me go all IE on your little fox’s ass.

To Velvet Peanut Butter Fudge Ice Cream: Flip Off! In the words of Edward, “you’re like a drug to me.” As if the peanut butter ice cream with fudge swirls are not enough, no, no, you have to add more fuel to the junk food fire and throw in peanut butter cups too.  It is exactly this kind of empty-calorie-filled-frozen-guilt-ridden-bowl-of-death-by-deliciousness that my ass does not need! Why oh why can we have DVD players in cars, toilets that flush themselves, and cell phones that can do everything but flush toilets (though I’m sure there will be an app for that one day too), but we can’t have ice cream that tastes that good, and has zero calories? Something is just very wrong about that. Clearly some people’s priorities are seriously out of whack!

So I’ve flipped. And now I’m off. Have a good weekend.

He wasn’t a freak.

He wasn’t wacko.

He wasn’t a monster.

He was music. And magic. And he was a man filled with love and compassion for a world that was only too eager to vilify him…a legacy that his children are now forced to bear. My gift to Michael is to try to right that wrong at every opportunity. And so I challenge you to do what’s right, especially on this day, Michael Jackson’s birthday:

Seek the Truth.

Reject the Lies.

And donate to the charity of your choice in Michael’s name.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL!

As I went through the Mickey D’s drive thru yesterday to grab a quick and fattening-but-oh-so-tasty lunch, I placed my usual order:

McDouble, no onions

Large Fries

Sweet tea, no ice

Yes, I’m one of those people, the ones who want to break away from the default not-so-fast-food preparation and get it my own way. It’s not because I’m trying to be a pain though I don’t really care if I am one. I just want what I want, is that so bad? I mean, I am paying for it, so it seems I should get what I’m paying for, no?

I don’t get onions because they give me bad breath. I don’t like onion breath. On me or anyone else.

And I don’t get ice in my tea because if I do, then the cup is 2/3 full of ice and only 1/3 full of tea. That’s just not good economics, in my humble opinion. Why pay for ice? If I want ice, I’ll add it when I get home. But it’s tea, people. And hot, warm or cold, it still tastes like tea. So going sans ice is no problemo for this chick.

Anyhoots. I always watch the order screen as I place my order at Mickey D’s. When I say “no onions,” then “no onions” shows up on the screen. And ditto when I say “no ice” in the Sweet Tea. That’s just visual confirmation that I am indeed going to get what I ordered. But yesterday, when the gal took my order, I did not see “no ice” under my order of Sweet Tea. So, just to be clear, I repeated it for her: “and no ice in that Sweet Tea, please.” To which she replies, “yes, OK.”

So I pull up to the 1st window, which still amazes me is in use, by the way, for the simple fact that it was put to use as a means to speed up the “fast food” process. But I personally haven’t noticed any change in pace at the drive thru since the extra window’s implementation, so what is the point? But I paid for my order and pulled ahead and waited (naturally) for my food and beverage.

The giddy gal at window #2 [and why is she so giddy if she works at Mickey D's?] hands me my Sweet Tea. And what is that noise I hear inside my decidedly un-eco-friendly styrofoam cup? Um, that’s right. It’s ICE. So, being that I’m one of those people, I promptly hand my environment-killing cup back to her and say, “I requested this with no ice. Twice, in fact.” And as I did so, I couldn’t help but flashback to one of my all time favorite movie moments. It’s from Lethal Weapon 2. The Drive Thru scene. Where Joe Pesci’s character, Leo Getz, lays the much needed smack down on drive thru service everywhere. And I literally laughed out loud, right there in my car.

If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about, but if you haven’t, you have to see the clip. [CAUTION: Rampant F-Bombs Ahead!]

That scene with Leo still gets me every time I see it. He is oh so right. They F*ck You at the Drive Thru. But thanks to Leo, I always check my order, before I drive away.

I’m sure the drive thru gal thought I was insane, sitting there laughing to myself in my car.  But she pretended not to notice and apologized for the fast food faux pas with my tea as she handed me a new one, without ice. And I’m equally sure she had a good laugh herself with a co-worker or two after I drove away.

Coworker, to the snickering drive thru gal: What is so funny?

Drive thru gal: Nothing. Just one of those people.

Today’s macros are sizzling…in that one of them literally uses the word sizzling, and the others have a bit of a sizzling undertone. Just as an MJ FYI, “sizzling” is a word MJ used in the movie, This is It. He was taking a pause on stage, kind of  feeling the moment, which he called “sizzling.” I loved that part in the film. Anyhoots, here is your Monday dose of the King of Pop.

Now I’m gonna give you a little MJ Monday challenge.  Go forth in the world on this not so glorious Monday and use the word sizzling at least once today! Twitter it. Make it your Facebook status. Post it on your blog. Come on, I double dog dare you.

Friday Flip Offs are the brain child of The Kludgy Mom. It’s just a way to vent and get rid of your “weekday angst,” by virtually flipping someone (or something) off.  Some might call that passive-aggression. But I call it cheaper than therapy.

So here are my Friday Flip Offs for this week.

To the Facebook Disease: Flip Off! While I do use Facebook, I am not infected with its disease like too many people I know. You know you have it if any of the following apply to you:

• You no longer send emails because you can’t be bothered to write something more than one or two sentences long. And yet you can post a sentence or two…like 800 times in one day with no problems at all.
• You spend hours upon hours playing Farmville, and yet you have the audacity to state to a friend who casually asks you if you’ve read a certain book, “Read? I don’t have time to read, I have more important things to do.” Um,  OK.
• You use your cellphone to post on your Facebook wall so your “best friend” will see it…instead of using the phone to actually call your “best friend.” Because, yeah, talking on a phone would just be weird, right?

I could go on and on about the Facebook Disease.  But since all the people who need to read it are on Facebook, they probably wouldn’t see it anyway.

To Loud Commercials: Flip Off! It is beyond annoying to be watching a TV show and when it goes to commercial break, the commercial is 10 times louder than the show. I am so tired of the commercial’s-on-volume-down-show’s-on-volume-up-dance for the 2-3 hours a night I watch TV. My finger should be much thinner than it is considering how much exercise it gets on a nightly basis. I mean, I get why they do it–they apparently want you to still hear the commercial while you’re grabbing a snack or in the bathroom going pee, right? But how many people actually leave the volume up like that? Most of us turn it down, don’t we? And let’s face it, sometimes that volume spike scares the bleeping crap out of me! I’m getting too freaking old for those kind of shocks to my system.

To Guys Who Call All Other Guys “Bro”: Flip Off! What’s up, Bro? How’s it hanging, Bro? Bro, are you feeling OK?  I feel you, Bro. Seriously, do they really consider all other guys their “Bro”? Is it just a simple form of male bonding? Or do they just say “Bro” because they can’t remember the other guy’s name to whom they’re speaking? Whatever the reason, it’s annoying. Even the Hubs thinks it’s annoying, and I can honestly say I’ve never heard him call any other guy (including any of his 3 brothers) “Bro.” [Just one of the many reasons I love that man!] And some guys say it sooo much.  While waiting for a table at a restaurant one time, I heard a guy call another guy “Bro” at least 7 times during their brief conversation. And it took all the strength I could muster to not say, “Shut the F*ck Up, Bro!” For real, people, “Bro” is crispy already. Turn it over, it’s done.

And I’m done too, I believe.  Time to flip off the light and head to bed. All this virtual therapy has exhausted me. And now the only flipping off I have left in me is the one I’ll do when my alarm clock goes off at 6:15 in the morning. Seriously. Flip Off, alarm clock!

Click here for the full story on “Scrotie, King of the Mascots.”  You gotta love a hockey team (well, actually, love may be too strong a word) that has the balls (literally) to have a mascot named Scrotie. And man, their slogan is even better:

Go Nads!

Happy Hump Day, peeps.