Adventures in Shopping with Goobs

The Hubs and I decided to take a trip to the Big City yesterday–also known as Fort Wayne, Indiana. {OK, now, it’s not like we live in the sticks or anything, but our town is small compared to FW. } I needed some stuff from the Big Box Mothership–also known as Sam’s Club.  So we decided to make a day of it, hit a few stores, grab some grub, and just enjoy a day out of the house. And boy, was it ever the adventure!

I’ll say right off, I’m not one that gets into shopping all that much. About the only place I enjoy shopping at is Hobby Lobby or Michaels…and I can spend a couple of hours in either of those places rather easily, losing all track of time. And they were both on the itinerary for the day. But even then it still tests the limits of my physical and psychological endurance when I’m there, especially when I encounter the kind of goobs–also known as morons who shop–I did yesterday.

First up: the Texting While Shopping Goob.

In this day and age, where we do almost everything at the touch of some sort of keypad, these goobs are becoming more and more commonplace. But I don’t get it. Why must one text while shopping? Geez, I thought people who actually talked on a cellphone while shopping were annoying goobs, but these texters are downright maddening! Especially considering that they do so at the absolute peril of everyone else in the entire store. The guy I saw yesterday was walking and texting at the same time, and his eyes never left that phone as made his way down the aisles, texting at warp speed. And when I last saw him, he was heading down the Aisle of Glass–also known as the center of Hobby Lobby, where a butt load of breakable glass, and not so must have decor items are displayed, and he was totally oblivious to the shatterable shelves that surrounded him on all sides. Earth to Goob: you break it, you bought it have any kind of meaning to ya, fella?

Next we have the Shopping Cart Aisle Blocking Goob.

We have all been a victim of this goob at least once: you’re walking down the aisle, looking for the beer low-cal salad dressing, and all of a sudden you’re stuck at a 2-way shopping cart road block. And why? Because some people can’t fathom that someone else may also want to come down that same aisle, at the precise moment they park their cart to one side, and walk to get something on the other side of the aisle, which is also being blocked by someone else! Now, I know there is no Etiquette Guide to Shopping Cart Maneuvers for Dummies, but dammit, there ought to be! And to make matters worse, my powers of invisibility always kick in when I’m stuck at a shopping cart road block. What else could explain the fact that I stand there…waiting…and waiting…and no one seems to see me trying to get through? I mean, do they think I’m just there to watch them debate over  which can of tomato sauce has the prettiest label?  Sheesh. The Hubs always tells me, “just say excuse me and they’ll move.” But I don’t think I should have to…I’m not a small gal, and I’m not difficult to spot, even from a distance. They have to be able to see me.  But just you wait. One of these times I’m just gonna FART as loud as I can when I’m stuck at one of those shopping cart road blocks. Yeah, I bet somebody will notice me then.

And last, but certainly not least, we have the Thongs Are Wrong Shopping Goob.

There are a lot of things I want to see when I’m shopping for groceries. Sale prices. Buy One Get One Free specials. Checkout lines with no waiting. But one thing I absolutely do NOT want to see is the butt crack business of some skinny biatch wearing her favorite striped thong as she bends down to get something, all the while pretending to be totally unaware of the fact that her thonged ass is on display for the entire shopping world to see. Don’t freaking tell me you don’t know what’s happening either,  goob, because feigning ignorance catapults you from goob to idiot status in the time it takes me to gag at the view. You know! And it begs the question: what are you really shopping for? Sugar? Sugar Daddy? A man-whore with a thong fetish? Show some class. Put on your big girl panties and go shopping like a lady. And then maybe, when some obsessed texting guy knocks over a fruit cup sample right behind you, you won’t have to pick pineapple and grapes out of your butt crack.

So that was my Saturday, folks. A day in the big city. A nice meal in the afternoon. And adventures in shopping—also known as shopping with goobs.