Monday, November 23, 2009

5 Lessons From an Insomniac

Having struggled with insomnia off and on since I was a teenager (and no, I won't tell you how long ago I was a teenager), I have found that there are all sorts of lessons to be learned in the wee small hours of the night, or morning, depending upon your point of view. 

Can't Sleep Cat


So I thought I'd share of some my arguably insightful pearls of insomniac wisdom.

1. If a startlingly loud and unidentifiable noise can occur in another room, it will happen at precisely the moment when you happen to be watching some spooky bit of paranormal programming on TV and are already in a heightened state of extreme paranoia...and if you're sipping a beverage at this precise moment, you will end up wearing it too.

2. Paid Programming caters to 3 types of people at 4am: Overweight over-eaters who are in the market for expensive exercise equipment that they cannot afford; older folks who are in search of the one and only beauty cream that will take years off their faces; and those kinky folks who are on the hunt for sex toys, and are surely going to be up at 4am to get the best bargains on lubes and lotions, vibrators and blow-me-up-suck-me-Suzie dolls.

3. Your kitchen floor will only creak when you are tip-toeing into the room to get a snack at 12:30am that you do not need, and don't necessarily want your husband to know you are getting while he is sleeping in the next room. (Bonus lesson: the creaky floor is actually a great diet aid!)

4. Reading only helps to make you tired if the book sucks. If it's a good book, you'll just want to keep reading, and before you know it you'll be hearing the coffee pot come on and kicking yourself for ever thinking you could just read "one more chapter."

5. The best sleep aids are reruns of 80's TV shows that you cannot stand. I personally use The Nanny, Married with Children, and Full House.  You can find at least one of those shows on at almost any time of night. And when all else fails, I just put one of those on and I'm usually asleep in relatively short order.

I'm still not tired. So, I think a bit of channel-surfing is in order. The 80's are  definitely calling. Night, all.