7 Questions for Ian Somerhalder

Given that my last post was in November, I may perhaps have lost all three of my loyal followers. What can I say? I've been out of blogging mode for awhile now...concentrating on my art and my family. But now that I'm facing a rather scary health crisis, and given that I'm just self-centered enough to want to read my own thoughts online, I figured I'd better start blogging again while I still can. And what better way to jump back into the blogosphere than with a post dedicated to my favorite man-crush, Ian Somerhalder?! 

Can I get a 'hells yeah,' people!

Now that I have your attention, let us get to the task at hand. Namely, my 7 Questions for Ian Somerhalder. You know, because 6 questions aren't enough, and and 8 would just be overkill. So here we go.

1.  How did your eyes get so damn blue?!

I don't even care if that photo is enhanced, your baby blues are some of the bluest I've ever seen.  It's so freaking distracting--in the best haunt-your-dreams-and-make-me-feel-like-a-15-year-old-girl kind of way. A girl could get lost in there...lose all sense of space, time, and reality. 

What was I saying? Oh right. The eyes. But moving on...

2.  Do you have a license for those guns?

There's something about your biceps. They're um, nice. Yes, 'nice', that's perfectly polite and ladylike. I am a lady, after all, and a happily married one at that. But a girl can look. I'm not blind. Am I right? And they're like, right...there. 

3.  How did you master that eye thing you do?

 And really, could you teach my Hubs how to do that? 

4.  How is it that you make blood and fangs look sexy?

Edward Cullen was hot, in a sparkly-and-overly-coiffed sort of way. But let's face it: you as Damon Salvatore on The Vampire Diaries--YOU make vampires S-E-X-Y.  

 And BTW...

If you need to practice your biting technique, I'm totes available.

5. In which episode of TVD will you next appear shirtless?

Because, well...

Is it hot in here or is it just me? Lord have mercy.

6.  Can I bite that lip for you?

What? It's a legit question, people.

7.  You're a defender of animals and a warrior for protecting the environment, you're an amazing actor, you're kind and compassionate, you're a devoted husband (and your wife is equally amazing, dammit), and you're all gorgeous and sexy to boot. There's only so much a fan girl can take. Are you trying to kill me?

The bottom line is this, Mr. Somerhalder:

Well, actually, you had me at LOST, as the sweetly sexy character of Boone. But it's your good-bad-boy behavior as the immortal Damon Salvatore on TVD that captured my full fan-girl attention. 6+ years of blood lust and Mystic Falls and Delena and those blue eyes and shirtless shower scenes and that eye thing you do. I mean really, what's a girl to do?!

Now that I've asked you these 7 Questions, Mr. Somerhalder, please feel free shoot me an email with your replies. Or you can tweet me @TinaGrimes.

7 Questions for Paris Hilton

Let me start by saying that I do not hate Paris Hilton. So any of you would-be PHF's (Paris Hilton Fanatics) and defenders can save your comments and your emails. I'm not about the hate. But I am about common sense, or the lack thereof as the case may be, with regard to Paris Hilton. She really just makes me scratch my head, so much so that I'm developing a scab where I do the most scratching. So figured it was just high time I asked Miss Hilton the requisite 7 questions...in no particular order, natch.

1. How is it that you manage to look so freaking good in your police mugshot? I mean, it's a mugshot. That's even worse than taking a driver's license photo, generally speaking.  Even on my best day, I don't look half as good as Paris does in her recent mugshot.  And yet she looks like she just stepped into a celebrity photo booth or something. WTH? Seriously.
   


2. Is it one of your duties as a celebutante heiress to routinely carry drugs around for other people? I'm not trying to be snarky here [I still love using that word], I just really would like to know. (Seeing as I'm not a celebutante heiress, this could be important information to have, should I ever manage to become one. ) Since you were questioned by police two other times this summer for carrying drugs that apparently did not belong to you, seems common sense would dictate that you wouldn't use that excuse do that again...um...unless it's one of your socialite duties or something. And if it is, maybe all you famous-for-nothing-folks should get together and form a union or something, and carry ID cards around that specify all of your drug-related obligations. At least then the police would know.


3. How did you manage to confuse cocaine with gum? You told the police officer at the time of your arrest that you thought the cocaine he found was gum. Gum? Really? Now I've never used cocaine; I've never even seen it up close and personal. But I've watched enough TV shows to know what it looks like (that makes me an expert, does it not?!), and it does not resemble gum. If it did, that would sure give new meaning to the words blowing bubbles, don'tcha think?


4. Whose purse is it, and why didn't you look inside it before you "borrowed" it? I have never met a woman who doesn't clean out her purse before she loans it to someone. Heck, I practically turn mine inside out before I even store it away in my closet, just on the off chance I might find a nickel in there, or candy or something. Yet you manage to "borrow" a purse and it just happened to have cocaine in it. Of all the rotten luck! I bet the real owner of that purse is gonna be pissed, now that her stash is police property and all. (You probably shouldn't count on being able to borrow purses from that gal anymore.)  Oh, and uh, you're rich, no? Why on earth do you need to borrow a purse anyway? You could have saved yourself a lot of stress, and the potential for 4 years in jail, if you'd just swung by Wal Mart on the way to the casino that night and picked out a bag of your very own. Kind of crazy to think that just a wee bit of shopping like us simple folks could have prevented the felony charge against you. Just something to ponder as you await your arraignment...to which, I suggest, you make sure you bring your own purse this time. ;)


5. Can't you find any other way to get publicity? I mean, seriously.


6. Is your new catchphrase now going to be "That's not mine"? Not as catchy as "That's Hot," but hell, put it on a T-shirt and I'm sure folks will buy it. This is America, after all.


7. Are you really  just in a competition with Lindsay Lohan to see who can get arrested the most before the age of 30? Hmm. Or maybe it's to see who can get the best mugshot  and reign supreme on the Smoking Gun. Yeah. Maybe that's it.

7 Questions for The Freak Next Door

Since the white trash wannabe who occupies the tin can trailer adjacent to my house is never lacking in appalling behavior--some of which you can read about in my prior posts about The Freak Next Door,  and  since I just had to call the police in order to get his music shut off and his barking dog put away for the night, I thought it would be a good time to tackle 7 Questions for the Freak, who is the bane of my very existence on an almost daily basis.  So here goes...and believe me when I say, keeping this to just 7 Questions is going to take all the restraint I can possibly muster.

1. Why do you wash your trees? No really, why?! Wouldn't watering the roots make just a wee bit more sense? And while we're talking about the trees, why do you trim the leaves and small branches from the very ends? Um, you're not supposed to do that, smart guy. That's what makes the branches that are growing all wonky--causing you to trim them off at the ends--get all wonky to begin with.  Do the words vicious cycle mean anything to ya?


2. Why do you have a speaker in your garage vent pointing at my house, playing music all day long...even when you're in the tin can trailer watching TV...or even when you have other music coming out your opened bedroom window...or even when you have still other music playing under your "patio"...or better yet, even when you're not home? Well, actually I know the answer to that one and it has two parts: 1) To annoy the crap out of US, and 2) Because you're an asshole.


3. Why did you name your dog, Lucky? I mean, seriously, that has got to be the most unlucky canine in the free world to have you for its owner, which is clearly why I refer to him as Unlucky whenever you are in audible range (which is usually when you're washing your trees).


4. Why is it that on the very rare occasion that your mommy and daddy actually bother to pay you a visit, they never--and I do mean NEVER EVER--go inside your tin can trailer? I mean, 13 years and they've never stepped one foot in there. What gives? Are they afraid of what might be in there? Or are they afraid that your freakdom might just rub off on them?


5. Why are you so obsessed with my husband? Isn't that why you have a video camera pointed straight at his workshop--cuz you like him...maybe just a bit too much? Or maybe you just enjoy seeing my "bird" flash by as I walk past your window?
   


6. Why do you hide behind city zoning ordinances that allow "political signage" to be displayed on private property, while at the same time condemning the city of Defiance as a "bad place to live"  on one of your "political" signs? (And, uh, nice touch with the red, white, and blue bunting, jerkwad. I'm sure everyone who stops to read your signs is thinking to themselves, wow, look at that nice bunting, what a nice, patriotic neighbor we have!)
   


7. Why is Lindsay Lohan in jail for being young, too rich and too stupid, when you are running around scot-free, erecting plywood blockades that violate the zoning laws you tout yourself on your "political signage", playing music for the sole purpose of annoying your neighbors,  and pervertedly videotaping your neighbors too (doing Lord only knows what while you watch them)?!

I could ask so many more questions, it's just not even funny. And it's even more pointless. But I'll just sum it up with one final thought from one of my favorite funny men, George Carlin:

“When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”

Amen, brother, Amen.

7 Questions for Olive Garden

This is the start of a new feature here at Tinalicious...either because I'm incredibly clever and inspired, or just bored out of my mind. You decide. But the premise is simple: 7 Questions for...whomever or whatever I feel like targeting in a given post. And why 7 questions? Well, that's simple too. 10 questions is too many, and 5 just ain't enough. ;) So here goes.

The Hubs and I ate at Olive Garden this evening. Strangely enough, it seems that many a blog post is born for me at a restaurant. Does that mean I just eat out too much? Perhaps. But at least it usually makes for fun reading too.

Anyhoots, here are my 7 Questions for Olive Garden...

1. When bringing us our oh-so-fattening-and-full-of-garlic-and-other-bad-stuff-breadsticks, why do they always start us off with 3 breadsticks? There are two of us at the table. So it would seem logical, at least to me, to bring either 2 breadsticks, or 4.  But not 3. Not. 3. What gives, Olive Garden? Are all of your waitstaff that mathematically challenged? Or do you actually think we'll eat less of them if you only bring us 3 to start with? Um, think again. If you don't realize by now that most people go to the OG for the breadsticks and salad, then you need to wake up and smell the carbs. We're there for the breadsticks and salad. Everything else is just marinara on the ziti.
   
   


2. Why do you insist on asking us if we want cheese on things? "Would you like cheese on your appetizer?" "Would you like cheese on your salad?" "Would you like cheese on your pasta?" Yes, yes, and yes. Hello? This is the OG. We want cheese! Who doesn't want cheese?. Yes, I do want cheese, if you please. There is no such thing as too much cheese.  [I think I just had a Dr. Seuss moment there, sorry.]
   


3. How come all your sweeteners are in paper tubes instead of rectangular packets? Is that how they do it in Italy, or are you just trying to be different? And don't you realize that because those tubes are never more than half-full, when we open them the sweetener inside has twice as far to travel on its way out, which results in the need to shake it a lot more to get it to exit the tube, which then results in at last half of the sweetener ending up on the table and/or in our food. We don't want sweetener in our food, OG. And if you really wanna enhance the table setting, set out some shakers of Parmesan cheese that we can have at our complete disposal. We're Americans, we want cheese. [See number 2, above, lest there be any lingering doubt.]
   


4. Why is there never enough seating in the waiting area? This one really boggles my mind. Has anyone ever been to an OG where they didn't have to wait for like half an hour or more to get a table? Or is that just my  own personal karmic punishment for being a carb junkie? Regardless, you know it's going to be busy, so how about forking out a few bucks for some extra seating? It is not fun standing oh so close to complete strangers (some of whom have nasty B.O.) on fake-Tuscan-style-cement-covered-floors for long periods of time as we wait for our little buzz boxes to start vibrating. And hey, how about passing out some breadsticks while we wait? Or how about some string cheese? That's Italian, right?
   


5. In what way does music from the Rat Pack era equate with Italian cuisine? I'm always hearing some Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin music when I'm at the OG. And while I am admittedly old enough to remember Mr. Sinatra and Mr. Martin, and have absolutely nothing against them, I just don't get the connection. S'plain, please.
   
   


6. Why do you have a dessert menu? No, seriously. I have never been able to eat dessert after dinner at the OG. And I've never personally witnessed any other restaurant patrons having dessert either. Who has room for dessert after all that cheese and carbs? 
   


7. How is it possible that all the waitstaff aren't completely obese? They have to eat there, how could they not be? It's the Olive Garden! So between all the salad and breadsticks, the pasta, and all that damn cheese, and lets not forget those awesome Andes mints that I'm sure get pocketed by staff on a daily (if not hourly) basis...how is it possible they're not all complete porkers?

So those are my 7 Questions for Olive Garden.

And somehow, I suddenly have a craving for cheese.