Happy 44th Birthday to Me

Yeah, so I'm turning 44 today. Please bear with me as I attempt to contain my enthusiasm. Ahem.

I decided that my blog post for today could go one of two ways:
A. I could impart some of my insightful wisdom and share the keys to the mysteries of life that I've acquired in my 44 years.


B. I could make a list of the top 5 things I'd like for my birthday--if money were no object and the sky was the limit.

Hmmm. Tough call. But I think I'm going with option B.  What could be more fun than to share in my own self-serving personal wish list from the slightly twisted but Tinaliciously tasty world of birthday fantasy?  So, without further ado or pomp and circumstance, here is my fantasy birthday wish list.

5. An all expenses paid trip to Paris and London. First Class, of course, with enough spending money to shop at all the Parisian stores I can't even begin to pronounce, and to buy all the tacky British souvenirs that backwards Yanks like myself are sure to enjoy. And while we're at it, I'll need enough money left over to hire a personal trainer upon my return home...because I'm sure to put on 20 pounds on such an inevitably food-filled trip across the pond. And trust me on this: I do not need another 20 pounds of junk in my trunk.

Small Eiffel Tower

4. A Housekeeper. Not because I'm lazy, but because housework sucks, life is short, and because I'd rather be blogging anyway.  And since this is my fantasy wish list...here's my fantasy housekeeper:

Brad Pitt Hotness

The muscle shirt would be totally optional, of course. And just look at him, he's totally ready to make the bed. Or something.

3. Enough money and resources to find out what really happened to Michael Jackson. Let's be real here, peeps. The fact that MJ's doctor is still a free man, still practicing medicine, still taking vacations and still enjoying all the joys of fatherhood (so voraciously documented by TMZ on a regular basis) that Michael is missing because he's rotting in a crypt---that tells me that something is seriously stanky in the California justice system. The way it looks now, Lindsay Lohan is gonna spend more time in jail than Conrad Murray will.  I'd like nothing more than to understand why that is. Especially considering how remorseful he appears to be...

Conrad Murry Asshole Murderer

2. For the Hubs to know what Duckie knows. Duckie is the character played by Jon Cryer in Pretty in Pink, one of my fave classic 80's flicks. In one of my all time favorite movie scenes, Duckie comes sliding into the record store where his friend Andie (played by Molly Ringwald) works, and  he lip syncs to the Otis Redding hit, Try a Little Tenderness. And that song Duckie fake croons and dances to is the answer to many questions related to this girl's emotional highs and lows. Am I tired and grumpy? Try a Little Tenderness. Am I stressed from doing the unending weekly bills? Try a Little Tenderness. Am I less than affectionate when you're "in the mood." Try a Little Tenderness. Don't take my word for it though. Let Duckie tell you.

1. A Twilight-themed cake, hand delivered by R.Patz (a.k.a. Edward Cullen) himself.

Twilight Birthday Cake

And I'll be a good girl. Really. I promise.  I won't touch him or anything.

RPattz Twilight Lick Finger

Unless he wants me to help him lick that frosting off his thumb or something. [No judgment, people, it's my birthday.]

So there's my birthday fantasy wish list, which took far too long to write. This 44-year-old brain just ain't what it used to be. Yeah, I should have stuck at 39. Is it too late to go back?

Gosh, I'm whiny when I'm tired. But you know what they say...

It's my party and I'll whine if I want to.