Have a Happy What?

So the Hubs and I were eating dinner awhile ago.  And it's Monday, which means I don't usually cook, because it's "My Day;" meaning that I usually work in my studio on Mondays and don't want to be bothered with the menial tasks of wifedom that obligate me the rest of the week, especially when I could be hiding going crazy creative in my studio instead. So, we had frozen pizza. And it wasn't even half bad, which is saying a lot for frozen pizza, considering how much I generally despise it.

Anyhoots, I'm minding my own pepperoni and sausage business when a commercial comes on the boobietubie. It's for Always. You know. Sanitary napkins, a.k.a. feminine hygiene products, a.k.a. MFR's (monthly flow receptacles). And guess what their slogan is:

Have a Happy Period Always

Now I have been out of the loop for awhile, considering I'm "lucky" enough to have needed a hysterectomy several years ago, so I no longer have to deal with the monthly descent into hell that was my regular period. But I just have to say to Procter & Gamble:  um,  WTH?!

Happy + Period = Does Not Compute

Granted, I had abnormal menstrual issues, so my monthly descent into hell was probably worse than a lot of other women. But even though I was not a stereotypical "bitch" when good old Aunt Flo came to town, I was anything but the happy hostess to that messy and painful house guest. I dreaded my period and all the maintenance and hormonal mayhem it entailed. I hated it almost as much as I hate The Freak Next Door, and golly, girls, that's saying a lot!

So what gives, P & G? After some Googling in-depth research, I've learned that this slogan of yours has been active for quite some time. Clearly I've overlooked it since I no longer have to purchase your overpriced things with wings. But I just don't get it.  Blood flow, cramping, migraines, mood swings, bloating, breast tenderness...what exactly about all that spells H-A-P-P-Y to you? It's not like women are gonna put on one of your pads and suddenly the theme song from The Partridge Family starts playing all around us or something.

Listen up, P & G, it's time for a new slogan. For a slogan to work, it's got to be authentic. Valid. You know...for real. So let's cut the crap and just say it like it is for many women:

Have a Happy Monthly Descent into Hell. Period.